http://www.toao.net by Mango Sun, 18 Jul 2010 21:44:34 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 http://www.toao.net/437-no-really-i-dont-need-a-bag http://www.toao.net/437-no-really-i-dont-need-a-bag#comments Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:11:50 +0000 Mango http://www.toao.net/?p=437 I hear that some places around the world have banned plastic bags. Vancouver is not included in this, however some stores such as Whole Foods have voluntarily quit giving them out. Others charge for bags to encourage customers to bring their own. And when you think about how many plastic bags probably end up in the trash, I think it's a great idea! So I, being relatively environmentally conscious, bring a reusable bag for my shopping as much as possible.

Of course, me being Mango, and thus more than relatively eccentric, I take things a bit farther than that.



I never use disposable products unless I think it's absolutely necessary. For example, if I decide I want to eat lunch from a takeout place, I bring a plate, much to my co-workers' amusement.

I have discovered that the practice of not wanting to use disposable products is confusing. In fact, at times I get reactions similar to what I would expect if I asked, "Hi, I'd like a veggie stir-fry on brown rice, and for a 20% tip, you'll need to solve a Sudoku puzzle in under three minutes!"


Case in point:

Cashier: "Paper or plastic?"
Me: "I don't need a bag. Thanks though!"
Cashier: "Okay, great!" [starts putting my things in a plastic bag]
Me: "I actually don't need a bag. Thanks though!"
Cashier: [big smile] "Okay, great!" [continues putting my things in the bag]
Me: [Pays, takes my things out of the bag, and walks out of the store]
Cashier: "WELL YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T WANT A BAG!"


I decided to start saying something I thought was funny to see if they noticed.

Cashier: "Paper or plastic?"
Me: "No bag, thanks. Just trying to save whatever kind of tree plastic comes from!"

This worked, but a few weeks later I saw written on an internet forum "!!!! If one more customer uses that ing 'save a plastic tree' line I'm gonna him up real good!"

So I decided to stop using that line. Apparently, other customers have the same sense of humor as me, and it got annoying.


Wherein I am responsible for an entire fast-food restaurant grinding to a halt.

Once, I was at a food court getting lunch. I note I did not have my plate with me this time, which was a good thing, because I don't think they'd have been able to handle it. They were giving out trays with things like lots of plastic cutlery, condiments, an empty drink container with lid and straw, a handful of napkins, and a paper place mat, most of which I didn't need.

Cashier: "Take tray!"
Me: "No, I don't need one, thanks though!"
Cashier: "Not want tray?"
Me: "No, thank you!"
Chef: "Take tray!"
Me: "No thanks - just my lunch please!"
Chef: "TAKE TRAY."

By this point I realize I'm causing a minor scene, but those of you who know me know I enjoy a nice fuss from time to time. And, at least I was doing it with no effort whatsoever while being perfectly polite. As I left, (fortunately with my food), I noticed that the entire staff of the restaurant had stopped whatever they were doing to stare at me. As I walked away, I heard the chef explain to the cashier, "He no want tray."


This guy may have had a point, but I don't know what it was.

I was at a store buying something. I didn't have far to go, and of course, I'm the Eccentric Environmentalist, so I told the guy at the desk I didn't need a bag. He stops and thinks about that for a second, but puts it in the bag anyway. Then he comes right around to my side of the counter to hand it to me. And he leans down (I'm short) to whisper in my ear, as if it's all some big secret.

I admit, I'm intrigued. By crackey, if there is a plastic bag secret, you can bet I want to hear it.

"Take bag!" he whispers. "In case..." [he pauses for emphasis] "...of security!"

Okay, I'll take the bag if you really want me to that much. But...wait, what?? In case of...security!? At first I thought this was one of those stores where the guards assume you're shoplifting if you don't have your item in a bag. (THAT's another story.) But I look around and it's only me and him in this tiny little store. Besides, I'm three feet from the door. I still don't really know what he meant.


Weary, I considered myself beaten.

I went to a bakery for a snack. True to form, I had a plate in my pocket.

Me: "May I please have a raisin muffin? And, er, I know it might be a bit strange, but could you put it on this plate please?"
Baker: "Of course!" [gets a raisin muffin, gets out a bag...]
Me: "You know what, I don't even need the bag! Just on the plate is fine!" (Yes, I even vocalized the smiley.)
Baker: "Oh, sure! " [puts away the bag, gets out a piece of parchment and puts it on the plate...]
Me: "Actually, I'm fine with the muffin just on the plate. I like to recycle and stuff," I explain.
Baker: "All right!" [puts away the parchment, gets out a damn paper napkin, puts it on the plate, puts the raisin muffin on top, and triumphantly presents it to me.]

Weary, and wanting my raisin muffin, I considered myself beaten.

I saved the napkin.]]> http://www.toao.net/437-no-really-i-dont-need-a-bag/feed 1 http://www.toao.net/157-things-learned-watching-cops http://www.toao.net/157-things-learned-watching-cops#comments Sun, 26 Apr 2009 03:48:38 +0000 Mango http://www.toao.net/?p=157 Lately we've been watching a TV series called COPS.  The show follows law enforcement officers during police activities.  While watching this show, we have learned a few things:

1. If all of a sudden you see a cop, RUN!!  As fast as you can!  They won't get suspicious!
2. If you have a large quantity of illegal substances or weapons in your car, don't bother with stop signs or red lights.  It is best to get where you are going as fast as possible.
3. If an officer asks if you have any drugs on you, and you have a joint behind your ear, say no anyway.  They will never notice something like that.

4. If you intend to shoplift some items from a store, and the store has security cameras, hang around for a while after you have selected your items.  This will help you avoid suspicion.
5. If a cop has pulled you over and asks how much you've had to drink, best to say "nothing".  They will take your word for it.
6. If there are a group of officers standing around you with guns drawn, yelling "GET ON THE GROUND," just stand there and grin at them.  They are just joking.
7. "And that, sir, is the honest truth...sort of," is a lie that will convince even the most seasoned cop of your honesty.
8. If there are more than four officers attempting to subdue you, try and wrestle them off anyway.  You are pretty strong.
9. If a cop has pulled you over and asks you to give him or her the keys to your car, the correct answer is, "it doesn't have keys.  I start it by touching these two wires."  This is a perfectly normal way to start a car.
   
   And last but not least, we share the most important tip:
   
   
10. If a police officer searches you and finds illegal substances in your pockets, the best defence you can give is "These isn't my pants!"  No doubt some random stranger on the street simply offered to switch pants with you.

Originally posted on http://www.toao.net/]]> http://www.toao.net/157-things-learned-watching-cops/feed 0 http://www.toao.net/49-silly-microsoft http://www.toao.net/49-silly-microsoft#comments Fri, 23 May 2008 23:45:43 +0000 Mango http://www.toao.net/49/silly-microsoft/ Windows has the following information about this file type. This page will help you find software needed to open your file.
Extension: *.wmv
File Type: Unknown
Description: Windows does not recognize this file type.

*sigh*]]> http://www.toao.net/49-silly-microsoft/feed 0 http://www.toao.net/40-some-of-my-favourite-authors http://www.toao.net/40-some-of-my-favourite-authors#comments Sat, 29 Mar 2008 03:58:20 +0000 Mango http://www.toao.net/40/some-of-my-favourite-authors/ I was beginning to think of some of my favourite authors and noted it odd that none of them, as far as I know, have ever published a book.  There is something to be said for internet humorists, and I don't believe it's said nearly enough.  That said, I'd like to tip my hat to the following very talented people, in no particular order:


The Coyote from TechComedy.com
The title of honourary BOFH is long overdue to be awarded to The Coyote.  Stories courtesy of TechComedy.com.

SwedishChef from TechComedy.com
Unuzeer gem from TechComedy.com, und a Canadian! Be-a sure-a nut tu miss zee noo-infamous saga off Kenny. Bork Bork Bork!

Gravekeeper from CustomersSuck.com
The Gravekeeper is also a Canadian and is in fact from Vancouver!  This man regales us of stories with everything from Helicopters, to locked parking garages, to Nunavut, and to the SkyTrain.  Oh, and kittens.

Bobsentme from CustomersSuck.com
Bob is also a member at TechComedy and I occasionally chat with him online.  Don't miss "Sinking a Shoplifter".

This article took a long time to write, owing to the fact that I just read every one of the above-mentioned authors' articles.

I close with one of the funniest cartoons I have read in a long time:

]]> http://www.toao.net/40-some-of-my-favourite-authors/feed 0 http://www.toao.net/20-my-coming-out http://www.toao.net/20-my-coming-out#comments Sun, 29 Apr 2007 08:52:03 +0000 Mango http://www.toao.net/20/my-coming-out/ I've been in the closet long enough.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I know plenty of you may be shocked.

Some of you, the ones who know me best and who I'm closest to, won't be quite so shocked.  I'm sure you've suspected it for years.

Regardless, I know all of you will understand that this is important to me, and I promise it won't change who I am, or the relationship we have together.

Edit: My wife insists I tell you to keep reading.



I'm vegetarian.

(What did you THINK I was going to say??)

I'll brace myself for the inevitable deluge of questions, which are almost always the same, so I know all the answers by now.

Yes, yes I understand you've heard of us before.  No, no I don't eat any meat at all.  No, no I don't eat chicken.  No, no I don't eat fish either.  Because fish isn't a vegetable.  You didn't realize that?  Well, there you go, they say you learn something new every day; I'm glad to help out with that.

The next question is generally a slightly more coherent one, probably because it only has one word, and it generally consists of "Why??!?!?!"

If I've really shocked the person, there may even be a few more ?!???!?? on the end.

Besides the obvious health and environmental advantages to being vegetarian, there are a few other reasons that you may not have thought of.

• "There's nothing on the menu that's vegetarian," is an excellent excuse for skipping dinner at a fancy restaurant.
  
• You don't feel guilty after coming home from the Animal Voices Film Festival.  That was a damn disturbing film festival.  I not only have not set foot in a fast-food restaurant since, I've walked well out of my way to avoid them.
  
• If you undercook your dinner by mistake, it doesn't kill you.  I always consider "not dying" as a relatively positive aspect of anything.

A common follow up question is generally something asking if there are any issues associated with vegetarianism.

People tend to get suspicious of vegetables.

I can understand that.  So was I, at first.

Like many stories about how people began vegetarianism, mine starts out "A member of my family came home and began excitedly telling me how she was going to become healthier by not eating anything I liked."  I was sixteen.  This member of the family was my mother.  My father's very wise response was "Yes, dear," and shortly thereafter, I was the only carnivore in the house.

(At this point, writing that out sounds so incredibly terrible, like I'm talking about having kicked a hardcore drug addiction or something.)

I began to notice some changes happening in our household.

For instance, one night I came downstairs for a snack before bed, and discovered my mother up cleaning the kitchen.  At 10:30 at night.

Before you ask, no, the kitchen wasn't messy from all the vegetarian cooking.  She'd simply finished the entire house, decided she wasn't tired, and started back at the beginning.

A few days later, someone came by to pick up the golf cart my dad sold him.  My dad hadn't given up golf, he'd just discovered that he was now able to carry his bag.

Do you think that convinced me to become vegetarian?  Be realistic.  What sixteen-year-old wants to follow an example set by his parents?

MUCH later, a family that was also vegetarian, and friends of ours, came to stay with us for a few days.  I didn't have anything against vegetarian food, and I figured frying up my usual sausages in front of them might be impolite.  So I figured it wouldn't hurt to eat "their food" while they were there.

I have been vegetarian ever since those three days.

I still had an issue though.  I did NOT want to admit after all this time that my parents were right.

I loudly announced that I was going to have pepperoni, bacon, and ham pizza for dinner, and I'd take it up to my room, because I knew nobody else would want some.

I was hiding some broccoli behind my back.

A few hours later, my second cousin's best friend's hairdresser's nephew's dog walker's mother came up to me and said, "I hear you've become vegetarian!  Congratulations!"

That was impressive, even for my mom.  It's a good thing I never decided to try smoking.]]> http://www.toao.net/20-my-coming-out/feed 4